Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
