you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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