My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
