You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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