ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
