4 words: hood of his car
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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