I am puke
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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