Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
