she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
