this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
