Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
