Will you blow on my dice?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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