Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
