You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
