I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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