Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
