I'm going to jail i love you
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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