I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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