He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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