I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
