he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
