listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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