I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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