In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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