omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
