I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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