I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
