it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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