Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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