I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
