Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
