I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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