I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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