Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
