I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
