I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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