That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
