Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
