I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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