this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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