we have pet lesbian snakes
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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