his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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