a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
