I wish I could punch you in the face.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
