Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
