We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
