Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
