he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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