Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
