What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
