You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
